Making Up And Restoring Trust

marriage advice

Most of us think that when trust is broken in a relationship, it is almost impossible to rebuild.  However, if you wronged your partner and broke their trust (say, by cheating on them), it can be rebuilt if you follow a few important steps.  You can learn more about getting back together here.

The first step is to flat out accept blame.  You don’t give lame excuses, you don’t argue or defend or explain that it didn’t really mean anything.  You admit, for example, that you messed up and in this way:  I cheated on you.  This is crucial.  When we’ve been wronged one of the things we want to understand is that our mate knows they did wrong.  Do they understand that or do they somehow think what they did is not that big of a problem.  This first step handles this for your mate, it clarifies that you aren’t going to b.s. them and will take responsibility.

That is a great start!  It is entirely different from all the bs we usually get when there is a problem in a relationship.  I screwed up and I’m owning up to it is a very powerful thing” if you mean it and don’t keep screwing up.

The second step builds on this.  You then say something like “I know I hurt you, and here is the hurt I think I caused you.”  You can learn more how to get your ex back specifics here.

Your partner is hurting over what happened.  So you own up to their hurt feelings as well, since you caused them!  “I know I caused you pain, and left you broken hearted…”

Amazing!  This too is different from what your mate expects to hear.  Instead of excuses, you really seem to understand the damage you caused.  You’ve not only taken the blame, you have owned up to the pain you caused.

You’ve got to describe the pain some, using the best words you can.  This is exactly what Emotional Logic sounds like.  At this point, you want to make sure your ex feels like you understand him/her.  You cant skip this step, even if you are a man and, like many men, aren’t comfortable talking about emotions.  For the skill to work, your ex has to feel like you really understand the pain you caused by what you did.

When most of us say “I’m sorry!” it doesn’t work because the apology doesn’t include these two steps.  Accept blame and acknowledge the pain you caused your mate.  When you’ve done this, you are well on your way to rebuilding trust.  There are more steps to it, but this is a great start.  Go here for a free course on How To Have Loving Marriage Help.